This post is one of confusion and conflict over how I feel being the age I am. I apologise in advance if you were after something a little light hearted and entertaining because I don’t think this is it today.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I feel about where I am in life compared to how I thought things would be when I was older at a younger age.
Before I get deep into the bigger picture I think the most amazing thing I thought would change with getting older and growing up would be my love for all things cute, fluffy, pink or sparkly. I am astonished that I still have to touch everything even remotely fluffy in a clothes shop or I coo over cute squidgy stuffed animals as if they were babies.
I am 29 years old and sleep with a cuddly bunny. I genuinely thought when I was a child that this was the behaviour of a child and I would grow out of it. Okay I admit the variety of cuddly toy has changed over the years and at points in relationships I have gone without for periods of time but now Hemsby Bunny is very much a huge part of my life, you seriously should have seen the panic when I came home to where I lodge after just one night to find that the bedsheets had been stripped and he was no where to be found, I couldn’t get down stairs fast enough to ask if he had been put in the washing machine, fortunately he was just cooped up in the bundle of sheets waiting to be washed. I hugged him a little tighter that night.
I love being at home at my Mum’s, I am a total Mummies girl. I thought as I got older I would naturally miss her less after only a few weeks apart and we’d do grown up things together like women rather than Mum and Daughter activities. Again this hasn’t happened. It was her only last Easter who bought me Hemsby Bunny for a classic example. We will sit and watch television together, I’ll lay my head on her lap and she twirls my hair round her fingers and then when it’s time for bed she will come in and say good night and turn off the light. I never ever thought this would still be happening at 29 but I wouldn’t change a thing but can it still be happening in another ten years? It’s Mother’s Day today in the UK so on that note I’d like to thank her for still doing all these things and making me feel like her little girl still.
That has covered the child like side of things I still appear to be maintaining even though I thought they’d go. Then there are the elements of my life that at one point in my younger years I assumed would just happen because that is what growing up was about.
A man, someone who would live with me, would love me and together we would be happy. After two long term relationships which have both been unsuccessful I most certainly now know that it is not a given of growing up that this happens and that it takes hard work and effort. Sadly with relationships of 8 and 4 years under my belt it’s sad to say that I am not even sure I will know when it’s one for keeps as already twice over I have been sorely mistaken, I can only hope for third time lucky as currently all I have are some truly wonderful memories.
Then there is your ‘home’ that you dream about when growing up which you think you can create on love and effort alone. The harsh reality is that is costs money and time too. Granted I have a house, a mortgage I feel ties me down and so much DIY and work still outstanding it feels never ending. It’s not a dream home and at the minute it’s not even home, I work away from my house, family and friends and never would I have thought that I would be doing that.
Now then, work is another area of my life which has almost taken me by surprise. If I am being really honest, ten years ago I would have thought that at fast approaching 30 my only job would be to be a good wife and mother. Take on the full time responsibilities of keeping that dream home in ship shape with beautiful children to entertain and teach whilst juggling keeping the ironing down and getting dinner on the table for when my handsome husband came home. Instead the reality of it is that I have achieved what I feel is a lot with no formal qualifications and little further education, years after walking out of 6th form my Mum admitted to me that my teachers told her that I was making a mistake leaving education and that I wouldn’t get anywhere as a result. I wish they could see me now. I work hard, always have done, doesn’t matter whether I like my job or not I have always believed in doing the best you can. I am not a brown noser, I don’t want to achieve off the back of who I know or what I am prepared to do, I want it to be on my own merit so I can take the full credit for my own abilities. I’m currently an area manager and whilst this is on the cards to change due to reshuffles and all that jazz they insist on doing, I am confident that it will all turn out okay in the end. Although it’s one of the biggest differences in my life that I expected it is quite a stable area which I have done okay with and with everything else considerably different too from what I planned I think I should least focus on one thing going well.
So there it is, an insight into my age dilemma, probably a reason I am so reluctant to get any older, as I am pretty certain that any thoughts or desires I have for the next ten years are about as unwritten as next weeks lottery numbers, which I am sure i don’t need to point out I have no influence over….
I really hope you haven’t mistaken this for a moan or a grumble or a negative account, it’s just the way it is, I am grateful for what I have and not bitter about what I don’t just surprised and somewhat confused about the expectations of life.
This has been a long one, thanks if you have read it all, it means a lot.
PS I have created a Facebook page for this blog, would be great if you would like it, there is an option to the right of this screen. Thank you